Friendship Limbo



It used to be very beautiful and heartwarming. I felt this joyous peace in my heart every time we were together or even away. I always longed to be around because I could literally hold this inner peace.

This friendship was a gift. It was unexpected.  I did not plan to have one. I stumbled into it even though I was very conscious and careful not to. It was never a prayer or request because I did not think I needed a friend. But this friendship happened to me. It was subtle, but it did happen. I do not really remember exactly how it started but I know it emerged out of moments of talking with each other every day.

As the days went by, the friendship grew. Though it was not under any supervised or planned method of growth, it did grow anyway. Bits of love, bits of care, bits of selflessness and bits of everything that could make a friendship grow beautifully was added though not really intended.

Like I said, I did not think I had a need for a new friendship and so I probably could not see or think this friendship was growing. Weeks went by and then months and then I realized that I had a beautiful thing before me. I then realized that this friendship was a bundle of joy. 

I loved it! So I consciously made an effort to cultivate it and make it grow healthier. I gave my all. Total love without a shadow of hatred. Total selflessness without a shadow of self-interest. Total care without a shadow of unconcern. Total truthfulness without lies. Total loyalty without treachery. Total sacrifice even if I was inconvenienced.

I loved this friendship just as I loved myself or probably even more. I believed the feeling was mutual. I did not for once think of looking over my shoulder because I believed I was covered. I believed the friendship had got my back. It was so wonderful! A pleasant feeling! 

A year and over down the lane, here I am, writing this piece. And wondering about so many things. Wondering about how I feel now. Wondering where the inner peace I felt was. Mixed feelings!
The feelings are mixed because I do not know whether it is love I feel or pain. I do not know whether it is joy I feel or sadness. Looks like I’m in limbo – emotional limbo. I’m now watching over my shoulders because I’m not covered. Shattered love! The selflessness is gone! Looks like the trust has weaned. No more light in the eyes; darkness has taken over. ‘I don’t give a damn about you’ attitude has set in!

Maybe I am the one feeling this way. Maybe I am the one who does not trust this friendship anymore. Maybe I am the one who does not give a damn about this friendship anymore. Maybe your actions are making me feel this way. And your actions are causing my mood to swing.

Maybe I’ve suddenly become a nuisance to you. Maybe you are not enjoying my company anymore. Maybe you feel you are better off without me now. Maybe the friendship was not mutual. Maybe the friendship never existed! I was probably in dreamland. 

If this is the reality then reality sucks!.
Literature and Christ lover!

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